Nothing. Nothing at all

December 22, 3 days until Christmas. Perhaps I should have waited a few more days, until after the holidays, but I was impatient. I didn’t want to wait any longer and my mind was made up. I took a deep breath and felt the cool crisp air enter my lungs, calming my nerves. As I exhaled, I watched my breath billow away like miniature clouds on a windy day.

I took a quick glance at my watch: 12:47 am. I sat down on the cool soft snow and removed my jacket, forming it into a comfortable pillow. Setting my makeshift pillow down, I lay down in the snow and just kept breathing, watching more and more of my little clouds floating away. I thought I would be more scared, but all I felt was nothingness. I looked up into the night sky, straining my eyes for even just one star, but alas, my clouds blanketed the sky, the moon barely shining through.

winter

I looked at my watch again: 1:24 am. My body was slowly making progress, my toes were numb and refused to wiggle on my command, not that I was trying particularly hard anyway. My fingers were still responsive, though the numbness had massively impaired them. My fine penmanship of which I hold with pride was now lost. Yet I was fine. No fear, no sadness, just nothing.

I tried to look at my watch, but my body remained still, only my eyes, unblinking, remained under my control. My clouds were no longer as strong or robust as they were when I first laid down. I could feel every little breath leave which each weaker than the one before it. I knew things were finally going to end, but still, I felt nothing.

Was that all I truly ever was? Nothing…?

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